We accept the love we think we deserve. —Stephen Chbosky
I have recently pondered a very sad memory. My son played hockey for years.
I am the type of person to let people be. I am a very quiet person, and I trust a few. I am an observer. One time I was at the rink. There was a mother with her little 3-year-old child. The mother was very overweight, loud and opinionated.
“Come on ugly,” she said to her child. It made my stomach go into knots. I could not believe what I was hearing. “Who could call their child ugly?” I thought as I watched it right in front of me. It was upsetting!
This little, sweet child had red curly hair and a giggle that was infectious.
Thinking about the scene in my mind has brought some things to the surface. The lies.
That sweet, innocent child will hear thousands of times that she is ugly. And from what I have learned from my research, she will believe it.
So, I ask you: what lies were you taught? It is an important question.
Recently I read Dr. Penny Sartori’s book, The Transformative Power of Near-Death Experiences: How the Messages of NDEs Can Positively Impact the World, “I heard God’s voice once more as he told me that until I learned to love my unique self, I would be unable to complete my earthly mission.”
So, I ask again, how are we to love our unique selves, if we have an erroneous belief that we are unworthy; if we’ve been told we are ugly, fat, stupid, dumb, too sensitive, lazy or an idiot? (Many of these words are triggers for me, and I do apologize.)
Our feeling unworthy is a lie.
I believe we need to start at least recognizing that those beliefs that we are “unworthy”, are lies. And I also believe we need to start replacing those beliefs with new ones.
And, I know, it is not an easy thing to do.
In Susan Forward’s book, Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, she wrote, a bill of rights:
The Adult Daughter’s Bill of Rights:
- You have the right to be treated with respect.
- You have the right to not take responsibility for anyone else’s problems or bad behavior.
- You have the right to get angry.
- You have the right to say no.
- You have the right to make mistakes.
- You have the right to have your own feelings, opinions, and convictions.
- You have the right to change your mind or to decide on a different course of action.
- You have the right to negotiate for change.
- You have the right to ask for emotional support or help.
- You have the right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.
This is a good start. A new bill of rights.
I believe we have the right to love; the right to heal, and; the right to ask for respect. These are boundaries. And they are key from healing from childhood lies.
Do not be afraid to change the old toxic beliefs. You are worthy. You are loved.
My Courage To Tell is now available. Find out if you could benefit by reading it.