Attachment: The Foundation We Cannot Afford to Ignore

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.

I have written about Attachment Theory before, particularly in my book My Courage to Tell. But I realized that I had never written a blog post about attachment itself—and how profoundly important it is to our development.

Attachment may be one of the most important things we need to understand about childhood.

A child needs attachment in order to feel secure. Through consistent, responsive relationships with caregivers, a baby begins to learn something fundamental about the world: I am safe. Someone will come when I need them. My needs matter. I matter.

When that sense of security is missing, a child doesn’t simply experience loneliness in the moment. Early relationships help shape the way children understand themselves, other people and the world around them. When care is frightening, inconsistent, neglectful or emotionally unavailable, a child has to make sense of that experience somehow. Those early adaptations can continue long after childhood is over.

Where Attachment Theory Began

Attachment Theory is most closely associated with British psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby, whose work emphasized the importance of the bond between a child and their primary caregivers. Later research, including the work of Mary Ainsworth, helped demonstrate how differences in caregiving relationships are associated with different patterns of attachment.

It really shouldn’t be something we have to keep reminding ourselves about. And yet, somehow, we have forgotten just how important babies and young children are.

The First Years Matter

The earliest years matter enormously. The World Health Organization describes the period beginning in pregnancy and extending through the early years as critical for development. Children need nurturing care that includes safety and security, responsive caregiving, health, nutrition and opportunities to learn. WHO and its partners have emphasized the importance of the first 1,000 days, while also making clear that nurturing care must continue beyond those first years.

This isn’t about creating perfect mothers or perfect fathers. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. Children need caregivers who are sufficiently present, responsive and emotionally available, and they need support around those caregivers too.

That last part matters.

We Need to Support Parents, Too

We often talk about what parents should do, but not enough about what parents need in order to do it. Time. Support. Financial security. Community. Mental-health support. And, perhaps most importantly, the opportunity to actually be with their children.

Some countries have recognized this in their parental-leave policies. Canada currently provides a standard parental-benefit option within the first 12 months after a child’s birth, with an extended option that allows parental benefits to be taken within 18 months. Other countries have developed parental-leave systems that allow parents to remain home considerably longer, sometimes with provisions that extend well beyond the first year.

These policies are not simply about giving parents time off work. At their best, they recognize something much more fundamental: raising a child is important work.

Of course, staying home with a child isn’t possible or right for every family. Some parents cannot afford it. Some don’t have a partner or extended family to help. Some children are cared for beautifully by grandparents, relatives, adoptive parents, or other consistent caregivers.

Attachment isn’t about one particular family structure.

It is about relationships.

One Caring Adult Can Make a Difference

And that distinction is important.

When I hear stories of a teacher, grandparent, neighbour or other adult stepping in to protect a child from abuse or neglect, I call them heroes. They may be giving that child something incredibly important: another experience of safety. Another experience of being seen. Another experience of an adult who can be trusted.

Sometimes one caring adult can make a profound difference.

I know what it means to grow up without that protection. My own childhood experiences of abuse and neglect eventually contributed to a diagnosis of Complex PTSD. As an adult, I have come to understand that what happened to us as children doesn’t simply disappear because we grow older. The nervous system remembers. Our relationships can be affected. Our expectations of other people can be affected. Even the way we understand ourselves can be shaped by what we experienced when we were most dependent on others.

Why I Wrote My Courage to Tell

This is one of the reasons I wrote My Courage to Tell. Telling my story became part of understanding what childhood experiences can leave behind—and why speaking about these things matters.

My story is personal, but the questions it raises are much bigger than one person’s childhood.

What happens when a child doesn’t feel safe?

What happens when the people who are supposed to protect them are the people causing the fear?

What happens when a child learns that their needs are inconvenient, their emotions are too much, or that no one is coming?

These are questions we need to be willing to ask.

Attachment Does Not Determine Our Entire Future

Attachment doesn’t mean that everything difficult in childhood will permanently damage a person. Children are remarkably capable of adaptation, and people can develop new, healthier relationships and ways of understanding themselves throughout life.

The past matters, but it doesn’t have to dictate everything that comes next.

But the earlier we understand the importance of secure relationships, the better chance we have of protecting children from unnecessary suffering.

This Is Bigger Than Parenting

And this isn’t only about individual families. It is about the kind of society we want to create.

If we understand that babies and children need safety, connection and responsive care to develop, then we have to take the conditions surrounding families seriously. We have to ask whether parents have enough time with their babies. Whether they have support. Whether children are safe at home and at school. Whether adults recognize the signs of neglect and emotional abuse. And whether we are willing to step in when a child is not being protected.

The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University has emphasized for years that early childhood development lays an important foundation for later health, learning and well-being. The science is not telling us that childhood determines everything. It is telling us that early experiences matter.

And they matter a lot.

Children Are People Now

Perhaps we need to stop thinking of children as simply the people who will eventually become adults.

They are people now.

They deserve to feel safe now. They deserve to be listened to now. They deserve relationships in which they can trust that someone will come when they need help.

Because when we give children security, connection and protection, we aren’t simply making their childhood better.

We are helping shape the adults—and the society—they will eventually become.

Let’s get it together and deal with the real issues.

Peace.

Laura Corbeth is the author of My Courage to Tell, a memoir about surviving childhood trauma and finding the courage to speak about what happened.

Learn more about My Courage to Tell →

Peace.